Worry vs. Action

February 7, 2019February 25, 2019 / Stephanie Bittle, LCSW / Leave a comment

Do you ever find yourself ruminating about the past? Maybe you are caught in a loop of “if only” – wanting to turn back what happened in the past or stuck in a feeling of why is this happening to me today. Perhaps you worry you made a stupid comment at school, work or with friends or family? You surmise if you had talked more on your date then s/he would have called you back. Maybe you are afraid other parents think you are a bad mother because they heard you yell at your child at school.

STOP. Realize that these negative thoughts are harming you so take immediate action to combat them.

1. Put your thoughts in prospective by considering that you are looking at only looking at part of the picture. You may be focusing on one comment in the meeting and come across splendidly for the rest. Even if you did make a “stupid” comment, did anyone notice? Will they remember next week? We tend to focus in on the one negative thing we hear and exclude most of the positive.

2. We only know our own thoughts. It is frustrating and a waste of time to try to guess at what others are thinking. You don’t know why your date didn’t call and you are torturing yourself by questioning your date’s behavior. Take action instead. Get out – find an activity you enjoy and meet people. Your mood will improve so you will be ready if the right person comes along.

3. We all make mistakes. Try not to judge yourself at a higher standard than you would your friends. If you saw another mom yell at her child in public, you would probably relate well to the frustration she was feeling and even feel empathetic towards her. It makes sense to let yourself be imperfect the way you would a friend.

So, if you sitting at home, feeling anxious and depressed about the past or the future, put all the energy you can into challenging your thinking and force yourself to take action and distract your mind by getting out.

Mindfulness: Calming the mind while washing the dishes

March 14, 2014March 14, 2014 / Stephanie Bittle, LCSW / Leave a comment

The hardest part of stress and anxiety is often thinking about the “what ifs”. What if I never find someone to love? What if I never find a job? One way to calm these restless worries is the practice of Mindfulness or Mindful meditation.

Mindfulness is a heightned awareness in one’s present thoughts or feelings or sensations without judgment. These Buddhist principles were popularized by Jon Kabat-Zinn in the U.S. in his psychologically based stress reduction program.

You have probably heard that taking things one day at a time can help reduce your anxiety about the future. Mindfulness meditation is the practice of trying to break it further down to the moment. In these mental exercises, one might take an ordinary task, like washing the dishes and try to achieve this alert mental state.

Yesterday, instead of my usual program of cursing the task of doing the dishes and speeding through it, I slowed myself down and adapted to its rhythm– the heat of the running water, the softness of the suds, the circular motion of the rinsing of the plates and bowls and the clanging of the silverware. If my mind wandered to a “what if” place, I refocused my attention on just the task of “doing the dishes”. It was a momentary escape!

What else could I add to my day, as I begin my practice of mindfulness? Stop to pet my cat’s luxurious fur as she sits next to me by the computer, with her black tail curled tightly around her body in a ball? Experience the taste, textures, and smell of the variety of tropical fruits in my salad? Hear the sounds of the city outside my window- garbage trucks, ambulances, and backhoes and try not to judge them?

In trying to make sense of it, it seemed kind of like stopping to smell the roses, which seems like a good idea. And noticing, but not judging the unpleasant stuff, though perhaps more difficult, sounds like its worth a try, too.

This post is also published in www.myculturemagazine.com

I get by with a little help from my friends…

April 30, 2013June 20, 2013 / Stephanie Bittle, LCSW / 1 Comment

Some stress is a part of life and can even motivate us to do our best – like the rush you get before a show or a presentation at work. But when stress reaches high levels it is dangerous to our health and can paralyze us from making positive changes in our lives.

So here’s my advice for combating stress. Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your female friends for love, support and just plain fun. It’s easy for me to correlate times in my life when I was happier and less stressed with the quality and/or quantity of my female friends. As a girl, I had a best friend for years named Lizzie and that meant I always had someone to sit with at lunch or to go ice-skating with or to just watch The Brady Bunch. Not to mention sleepovers – if those aren’t the cat’s pajamas, I don’t know what is.

I also remember the emptiness I felt the first year at Connecticut College because I had no friends, or how depressing it was to be isolated in my early years as a Stay-at-home Mom. Friends are that important.

There is even evidence that we live longer when we have strong female friendships. In this article on women’s friendships , they site research in the area of friendships such as how in The Tending Instinct, Shelly Taylor found women’s relationships and need for community is based in our DNA and can also be seen by studying animals.

A study at UCLA School of Medicine discovered that when we’re with our female friends, we emit a “feel good” hormone called oxytocin that helps us reduce everyday stress.

A study by Dove indicated that 70% of women feel prettier because of their relationships with female friends. This is critical to understanding how self-image develops in girls and women.

Most importantly, Haupart states that, “Women without strong social ties risk health issues equivalent to being overweight or a smoker – it’s that serious.”

Unfortunately, with our fast-paced digital society, women’s friendships are on the decline while stress levels in women are in the increase. Try to reconnect with friends in your life. Be open to new friendships.

I have a friend from Italy and she makes green tea in a pot on a tray with china cups and puts out light flakey buttery cookies. It’s a welcome and refreshing approach to catching up with a friend.

So meet a friend for tea, to get your nails done, or see a movie. I have learned that above all one thing is clear: We Need Each Other.

This article is also published in the Wellness section of myCulturemagazine

I like it the old-fashioned way…

April 12, 2013June 20, 2013 / Stephanie Bittle, LCSW / 2 Comments

Journaling, that is. I can’t imagine my fingers clicking away as I keep a digital record of my most private thoughts. No, I prefer the feel of my Bic Round Stic pen as it glides across my preferred spiral bound, thin lined, purse sized journal.

Every feel you need a place you could vent endlessly about your trials and tribulations in love (or lack thereof), life and trying to make sense of it all??? A journal provides a captive audience that is willing to listen without judgment or comment to WHATEVER you want to say.

For me, journaling has been a Godsend. I have shelves in my closet full of these life journals that I’ve kept since high school. When I was done writing for the day, I closed the book and felt I could put those worries aside and keep them in that book and it was safer that way.

It can be helpful to try different journal styles to see what works for you. I recommend trying the empowerment journal if you are trying to gain confidence in yourself or to fulfill a particular goal. It’s simple. When you feel so moved, write down things that you are proud of that you accomplished that day, that week or anytime in your life. It can be small things, like I’m proud that I got to work on time in a presentable fashion or big things, like I’m proud of myself for getting a promotion at work or helping my child feel better about themselves after being bullied at school.

The gratitude journal is very popular this year. A way to cut through all the negativity around you is to remember things you are grateful for. Perhaps you are grateful for a chance to talk to a friend that you’ve lost touch with or that the construction noise outside your building has finally stopped. It can be as simple as appreciating that you have a roof over your head or the chance to have a meal together with your whole family.

So, try it out. Put Down The Laptop. Maybe just go down to the local coffee shop with your pad and paper and see how it feels to scribble down ideas about your thoughts and dreams.